Jump to content

AAA batteries


deckshot
 Share

Recommended Posts

Subject: AAA BATTERIES

This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find

yourself laughing out loud.... I laughed so hard I was crying!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

his

lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my

interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a

little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The

effects

of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse

affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety.

'WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

AAA

batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed

it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the

face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There

I

sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really

needed

to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I

thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought

better

of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing

to my

wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance

that it

would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,

and

taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a

major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly

make

your assailant flop on the ground like a ! fish ou t of water. Any

burst

longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"

long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded

with two

itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side

as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one- second burst

from

such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to

give

myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in

the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over

and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the

oddest

position and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard

before,

licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid,

do

it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one

note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a

violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be

considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be

sure,

as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what

little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did

they

get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm

offering

a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me! with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • VIP RV

×
×
  • Create New...